I have little interest in sex, yet would like a partner – either a man or woman

I have little interest in sex, yet would like a partner – either a man or woman

I’m a single mother in her 40s and don’t want to be on my own any more. But I don’t know how to find someone

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This article titled “I have little interest in sex, yet would like a partner – either a man or woman” was written by Pamela Stephenson Connolly, for The Guardian on Monday 15th May 2017 07.00 UTC

I am in my late 40s, divorced and a single mother. I have little interest in sex, but I would like a partner. I am not sure whether or not I am asexual, or even whether I prefer women to men, and I don’t know how to go about finding out. I don’t want to be on my own any more.

It’s perfectly reasonable to want a partnership where sex is unimportant, and to actively seek this. And there are certainly others who feel the same way as you. But you will probably have to take some affirmative steps towards finding a suitable partner, such as dating and socialising more. It is never easy, and the process can be painful. But as you begin to meet others – male and female – who are also interested in partnerships, you will learn more about yourself, including your true sexual orientation. You will not do this by isolating yourself, so, even though you have responsibility for a child (or children), you will have to change your lifestyle to accommodate relationship possibilities. People who put some energy into finding a like-minded individual often find that sexual interest grows and develops as a sense of safety and intimacy is acquired between you. I wish there was an easy way forward, but there is not. Risk opening yourself to the possibility of trying out new ways to connect with others, both socially and sexually. Be brave.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders

• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments).

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